Anyway. Yarn aside....
I had a volunteer gig that I have done for nearly 15 years. I got sucked into it ages ago, it wasn't entirely voluntary on my part. I mean, it's an activity that I enjoy, but...not in the way I enjoy it. In the past few years, I've been finding it a very isolating, lonely activity. And it's been interfering with my connection with both my religious community, and my spiritual life (yes, I have one, no it's none of your business).
So I quit.
And I angsted, because leadership was not telling me who they were getting to replace me in this function. I was concerned, because the person I worked with on this project wasn't taking my withdrawal well, which is sad, but I have to take care of myself, right? But no one was taking care of her issues with this, by not replacing me! How would they ever cope without someone to fill my place?
What an arrogant asshole I can be.
It's not my responsibility to fill my position, nor is my co-volunteer's mental state. And, shocker, they will adjust. My leaving will only leave a temporary void, everyone will adjust to my not being there. I'm not the only person who can carry my load, you know?
I am not the only person who can handle things. Other people are, shockingly, capable of doing anything I already do -- and may even do it better.
I do this in so many areas of my life -- with my mom, with my pets, at work. I take on all the responsibility for projects or (heaven help us) wellness of various subjects (I'm looking at you, Rex, and your limping and weirdness), when I'm not actually able to take either the blame when things go wrong, or the praise when things go right. Not because I'm not doing my best, or working hard.
Because I have no say in the outcome. I never had any say in the outcome. Sometimes, shit just happens, and it's not my fault.
This is a hard lesson to learn, letting go of responsibility. I've always thought I actively avoided responsibility -- but what I'm avoiding is responsibility in matters I can control. I'm so used to taking responsibility in matters I have no control over, watching them go belly up for reasons beyond my control, and thinking I'm just bad at everything, when all I'm really bad at is knowing which systems I can affect outcomes in. So I let go in the situations I do have control, because I'm directing all my energies at moving the boulder instead of shifting the lighter rocks.
I'm sorry. I'm tired and I'm sure that this is coming out muddled. I'm exhausted, and a little shit-faced from the prosecco with juice I had at dinner. It was delicious, and celebratory.
I think I will use my now free and clear Advent season to work on my humility and ability to discern that which I can control and that which I cannot.
In other good news, I got some more new yarn today:
I bought them to support a student fundraiser. They were dyed with CHILD LABOR.
At least the children profit by it -- I'm supporting a service trip to Peru, they will be helping a community set up sustainable agriculture systems and supports, and then going to Machu Pichu.
Lucky little bastards. Machu Pichu is on my travel wish list, but I'll need to let my lungs recover a bit before I can handle the tram ride, much less walking around in thin mountain air. At least it's a goal.
Hey, maybe I should exert myself to learn how to control myself around buying yarn! THERE's an idea.
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