An attack of fabulous good luck.

I woke up this morning at 4:30am from a sound, deep sleep. I shot bolt upright, terrifyingly alert, because I smelled burning wiring. And it was strong, very, very strong. So I jump out of bed, bolt into the hallway and encounter my brother, also awake and alert because of the smell. No fire alarms were going off (and yes, we've got them on each floor, in the stairwells, because that's how smoke travels -- according to fireman brother) so we just trotted all around the house, trying to frantically sniff out the source before the alarms did go off.

We deduced it was the furnace. We shut it off as fast as fast could be, and then went back upstairs. Since I had to be up at 5:45 anyway, and adrenaline is bad for restful sleep, I just sat there petting Yoda and watching the news until I got dressed and went to work an hour early. Suck. But then I got to leave an hour early. Booyah!

Still. Data entry on four hours of sleep followed by an intense adrenaline surge (which doesn't tend to carry a body through the day as well as a high-fiber cereal) is...difficult. An today was a long day (9 hours; not the longest shift I do in the average week but bad enough), so as I started to crash around 2pm I gave in and had a cup of tea with the caffeine in. That plus the intense shock of this morning has started up the palpitations again, slightly. I'm starting to think it's more likely that the acid reflux I've developed from sitting on my butt all day is causing my esophagus to spasm or something. I have way more acid reflux than fast heart rate anymore. And my intake of Tums seems to be tied to the lack of flumpfhs behind my breastbone.

Sigh. As soon as I start to relax, some other crap goes on. I need to build up my tolerance to stress, you know?

So why do I call it an attack of fabulous good luck? Because the house didn't burn down -- wasn't in any danger of it, actually, the motor burned out, so what we smelled was something that happened inside a metal box and couldn't get to any combustibles -- and by leaving home early this morning, I got to a certain gas station that hadn't had the chance to raise its prices to over $4 a gallon and topped off my tank at $3.85 per (which is still rather usurious, but hey, whatcha gonna do?). So of course I bought a lottery ticket. We'll see how well that pans out. I also stepped on a blob of some gross person's, erm, expectorate. Which, my friend of Italian origins tells me, is very lucky, provided you don't catch their tuberculosis. Well, getting spit on is lucky (proving my father's contention that Italians are sorta weird) -- protects against the Evil Eye. Not that I'm worried about evil eyes right now. Actually, as a Polish-Irish person, I'm not even sure we have evil eye traditions. I think that's a Mediterranean thing, goes with olive skin and a tendency to tan. We didn't get that, either. Alas.

Well, I did, but most of my family burns like Thanksgiving turkey after the fights start. Heh heh heh.

Ahem. So, anyway, that's what I've been up to. More hysteria, finding good gas prices (which sort of makes up for it, really) and playing bad odds.

I can't wait for my dryer to ding so I can go to bed. I'm assured the smoking vents thing won't happen again tonight, and it damn well better not. I'm tired.

Why bother with the box?

I made a nice, gooey, cheesy dinner for myself tonight:

That's a cheeseburger macaroni dish. I did not use a box mix. And now that I'm eating it like food is going out of style, I wonder why I ever bothered with box mixes. I have box mixes in the pantry, but I'm finding this version far superior.

It's just a quarter box of rotini, cooked up, mixed with 6 ounces of Velveeta and a handful of cheddar cheese shreds, a little more than one pound of ground beef cooked with some onions (mmmm, maybe half a small white one), some salt, pepper and garlic powder. Chuck in some milk, mush it around until the cheese goes all gooey-awesome sauce, then use mustard and bread and butter pickles chopped up for garnish. Mmm-mmm, good. And it took less time, overall, than the box stuff does. And it's better. In my opinion, which will, alongside $1.25 hard US currency, buy you a cup of coffee at McDonalds.

Perfect for one of those days.

Not that I've had one. Actually, this afternoon was pretty good. I took a nap and had a dream. A dream that both amused and empowered me, and now I'm thinking about how I can turn it into a book. Or possibly performance art. Yes, that statement makes sense, but I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise.

I think I'll write it out, first, and then decide what to do with it. Oddly enough, I don't think it will take long -- the nature of the project is simple. Beautifully simple.

And it won't interfere with shawl knitting. I have no interest any longer in any project on my plate aside from that shawl. Don't ask me why; I tend to get in knitting moods like this.Oh, well. Maybe that means I'll actually have a finished shawl of my own one of these days.

Now I'm going back to my dinner and wine and then I'll dish up some chocolate something or other for dessert. I feel like celebrating. Good ideas don't just fall out of the sky like that every day!

Queen of the Nerds! And the War of the Coolest Words Ever.

I am soooo excited! My palpitations are starting up again, only this time from joy!

Hoooooooowl!

I'm positively flailing around because I haven't been able to sit to write for the past week. Why is it when I have the time, I don't feel like writing, but when I don't have the time, I'm absolutely desperate for it?

I'm so perverse.

In other news, I've managed to knit a bit on this:

This is not a current shot. I've got a bit more stockinette below the lace set there. I'm about halfway to the next lacy bit. The purl rows are taking for. ev. er. I purl awkwardly at the best of times, but for some reason purling on this shawl is particularly difficult for me. I think it's because of the way the fabric is folding up and hanging on the cable. It's doing something horrible to my stitch tension. Or something.

Perhaps I'm just losing it. At this stage, that's always a real possibility!

Thinking about what to blog...

and I've got very little. I mean, other than a post about some stuff I wrote in my morning pages last week that's got me thinking really hard about how I live my life, but who wants to hear that?

Anyway, this week I've managed to make some progress on my shawl in dog colors, I beaded the yarn for the first half of the Nieceling's scarf and I've worked a bit farther on my Crowley scarf. Other than that, I've done as little as physically possible in order to preserve some of my precious energy for not panicking.

I'm doing better in that regard, for what it's worth. I'll probably...go for my evening walk now, make and eat my dinner and then sit and knit on my shawl for a bit tonight. Maybe tomorrow I'll do something more worthwhile.

Oh, I say maybe, but I've sort of promised someone I would. For my mental health and hygiene. And I have to keep blogging, so if you're following this blog, I apologize. This week might be a bit thin in terms of knit content and highly fat in terms of wangsting when my life is so good I really shouldn't be wangsting at all. I do know how lucky I am, really I do, it's just sometimes...wangsting feels good.

Is that so wrong?

Relaxation

This morning, after a light breakfast with healthful orange juice in lieu of my typical iced tea, I went for a walk. A fairly short one, two miles or so. But along the way, I saw some lovely things:

No idea what this tree is called, but the blooms are beautiful against a hot spring sky.

The tree I'm told is a tulip tree is in bloom! It's one of my favorites, just look at that rosy blush.

Herds of sunny yellow daffydowndillies are popping up everywhere! I think they are some of my favorite flowers -- both for the silly name (yes, yes, I know they're called daffodils, but I vastly prefer daffydowndillies; sounds more cheerful) and for the translucent buttery beauties they are. Just look at the light through the petals!

I'm not sure what this tree is, but I hear a rumor it's a dogwood. If so, it's a pretty weak and spindly dogwood. I know they aren't robust trees, but seriously. It's like a collection of sticks popping out of the ground. I'm surprised it can work up the energy to put out blossoms.

The air was sweet, the walking was fine and I'm tired out from all my wrangling today. Granted, I also got a two and a half hour nap in this morning, but perhaps the extreme sleep deprivation I've been working myself into has contributed to my chronic enervation.

I really should be more careful about that, you know!

At last, the weekend!

I am enervated. Wiped out, tapped out, done up. Thank Providence that it is Friday and this is the weekend. I was supposed to go out to the movies tonight, but those plans got changed when it was realized there was nothing worth seeing playing at present. Fine, I needed the quiet time because frankly, I had a strange realization this morning.

For the past week and a half, since Fred had his little troubles on the highway, I have been having problems. I'll be sitting in my chair after dinner and my heart will suddenly start racing, pounding and then I have that feeling of the heart skipping a beat -- that weird "kerplop" behind your breastbone. I know my heart isn't skipping beats -- I've had a finger on my pulse when it happens, the rhythm keeps steady.

I've been wondering if it was too much salt, too much caffeine, too much food giving me a very strange type of indigestion. I didn't realize until today, this morning, when it started again at the office...I'm having panic attacks.

I didn't recognize them because they're just small ones, more...mild than the ones I've had in past. Once I realized what it was, it stopped. I'm hoping I don't have another tonight and I'm really glad I have the time to pull myself back together this weekend.

My only plan is to 1. Sleep a lot. 2. Knit a bit. 3. Read some. 4. Eat some chocolate ice cream.

Hopefully, this will speed the cure up a bit. I just need to get calm first so that I can forget what the constant anxious feels like. Maybe then I'll be able to stay calm.