Oh, I should just go to bed.

It's awful late for me to be on here, trying to post. It's been a busy day, too, although it didn't start out that way at all.

I actually got a relatively early start, walking between 8:30 and nearly 10. I like to get that out of the way early so I can (maybe) do some writing. Today...not so much. Walked, brought home breakfast, had to turn around and go back out again to run some errands that came up, got a migraine, tried to take a nap but the shrieking baby didn't allow that, bathed the dog (I kept saying I was going to wash him, wrap him in tissue paper and tuck him up in a drawer for winter, but he wasn't impressed) then got the news my aunt has cancer. We don't know a lot yet, other than my uncle is torn up and not in an optimistic frame of mind, but with what little I was told (and what I know about the tendency to catastrophize in our family) I won't give up hope just yet. After that, it was all just keeping heads above water, really. Dinner, laundry (which I have to bring upstairs) and some snuggle time with Dog. Now I'm here, and I don't really know why.


I can't really think straight on the issue yet--early days, and I am such a slow thinker. At least the Advil got rid of my headache for a while, so there's that to be glad of. After the nice week I had last week--relatively peaceful and pleasant after the October I had--it's a feeling as if life was just joking, Oh, haha, you believed it when you had that nice week! Just teasing! I'd almost thought I might be heading out of a period of bad news and emotional roller-coastering into something a bit more calm, more...ordinary time. But no, Life has other plans.

Shenanigans! I call shenanigans. And, frankly, it's quite fatiguing to keep the emotions on 10 all the time. I'm not asking for an extended streak of excellent luck, but...it would be nice if Life would just pretend I'm not here for a little longer than a week so I can have some peace and quiet and time to recover some resources. Sort of like how I felt when I was a kid and the other kids would bully me in grade school; after a while you don't even want to be popular anymore, you just want them to leave you alone. It's a drastic re-tooling of priorities for a social animal, but most people who take their turn at the social whipping post understand the feeling. I'd hermit a bit as that usually makes me feel better, but since I don't have a day job anymore it's almost redundant. There's really nothing to escape from anymore.

And it's at this point that I realize the only thing I'm fleeing is life itself, and I've spent years and tons of money trying to stop my continual fleeing of life.

Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. At this rate, if all I get done this week is the next two poetry exercises I've been working on, I will count myself very lucky.

Pressies!!!

OK, I'm trying to post before this:

hits my system.

Gods help us all, it might, even now, be too late! Yes, that's wine. Hey, I had a tough week. And it's sweet wine, I could drink the whole bottle and be more clear-headed than if I did a Heineken. (Memo: To: Them as what knows me, Subject: Holiday gift giving:: I like Heineken. And Glenlivet, but if anyone would do the holiday thing like in the commercials where the dude wraps the six pack and then takes out one and puts the bow over the hole, I could totally afford more Glenlivet on my own. Thank you.) 

Anyway, I got two totally sweet boxes in the mails today. One was paid for by myself, one was a thank you gift from someone I bought and sent yarn to--seeing as the yarn in question wasn't available in Great Britain and she needed it to make a particular pattern. I'm nice, mostly, and really, any chance to enable a yarn addict, right? So I send off the appropriate yarn. She even paid me for it. But then, today, I get this:

  This is the whole shebang from the box. OMG, ain't it grand? I mentioned I liked Kinder Eggs (and I do--candy + chocolate = awesomeness that cannot be contained by Newtonian physics) so she sent me the Happy Hippos (cookies with hazelnut and some gooey milk creme inside and little meringue puffs on the bottom) and Kinder Chocolates, which, I can tell you from direct personal experience, are fabulous. And then, oh, children, and then, she got really creative. In addition to the teas (two varieties! One in adorable little English-themed tins! Have I told you all what a sucker I am for touristy tchotchkes?) I find:

NEVER seen anything like this before, which might just be showing how very little I get out, but I loves it. The colors are cheery, the yarn itself is very pleasing. I'm going to have fun with that.

 

This stuff is gorgeous. No other words. And soft as puppy fur! I've never heard of Kaalund Yarns, but now that I have, I might have to Google it and get more. Beautiful color.

I've been having fun poking around in my new toys and candy. Oh, and there is a lovely little notebook, too, which is so me. How did she know that?

I also got:

 

A beeswax candle I bought at RenFaire in Ohio last month. They didn't have the plain beeswax in jars (and I preferred the jar versions to the free-standing, if only from a drip standpoint), but they offered to ship as soon as they had them made up. It's been, what, six weeks since I was at RenFaire? Maybe only four, I can't count right now as I'm cross-eyed, but it finally arrived. I was just about to email them and ask where my candle was when this arrived. 

Oh, what a full day. And totally cheerful, at least right at the end, although I don't recall the early bits being all that unhappy. It was a fairly nice day, actually, right all around.

Now the wine glass is empty, the buzz is fading and my soup bowl is empty, too. The bowl needs filling, I'm switching to Sierra Mist and I think I'm going to go watch television now as there's not really a whole lot going on in my head. I rather like it.

May you have a lovely evening yourselves, and may wonderful things come in your mails!

Time Wasters

Today is Thursday (duh), which is typically a day I take off the writing because I'm busy doing other things. I volunteer at my state library/archives, and I love the 'work'. In the morning, I do paper repair in the archives, then in the afternoon I go to the library and record books for the state's books on tape for the visually impaired program. I like most of the materials I read for them, but on occasion, since the program's grant specifies they must record in-state authors, the self-published nature of the books gets me a bit down. Then I think, ah, but there's a market for some free-lance editing! How can I profit from this? Mine is a buoyant temperament, by nature.

I then hopped online to job search (mostly for my benefits, but in the hope that someone, somewhere will post a need for an over-educated, overly-literary business writer. No love yet.) After the heartbreak that is Monster.com, I decided on my 'to do' list for the rest of the week. It is, alas, short on fun.

1. Take care of friend's baby this evening. Not a bad thing, really. He likes Poirot, so we tend to watch PBS after they leave.

2. Pick up x-rays from my real dentist's office to take to the local dental school tomorrow, so I can get some cut-rate work done on the crown that needs replacing and filling. I'm kind of scared of this, but the crown has got to go, and soon. I can't wait to save up the $1,000 my dentist will want paid.

3. Get some ink for my printer so I can print the release of records form I'm going to give the dentist when I pick up my records. They say they don't need it when I'm picking them up, but I do like to cross t's and dot i's.

4. Start my new voice lessons tomorrow night. I hope I do better at this style than I did at the more operatic style. I haven't got a big voice, alas.

5. Then, get some rest. I've been running around all week, and it's tiring. I just want to relax this weekend. I think I can; I don't recall much on my calendar this weekend. Let's hope my memory is excellent.

Now my Blogger is malfunctioning, or maybe it's the laptop. Even odds. But I'm going to go have some dinner and watch an episode of Poirot before leaving for babysitting.

Now that will be fun.

I *really* need to get over myself.

Well, not really. Sort of. See, it's like this...

I've been thinking. Which is always a statement prelude to trouble, but hey, whatcha gonnna do? I have been thinking about how I organize my life--my work, my hobbies, my other doings--in an effort to streamline my life just a little bit more and I realized: One of my blogs has got to go.

I keep three blogs. Four, if you count the little writing exercise blog I started with a friend and abandoned this summer when I realized I'm too stubborn to compromise in fiction writing. One is my poetry exercise blog (which I update when I've had time to get to my poetry homework, you can find it through my profile if you need a laugh), one is this blog and the third major blog is one I started just last month in an effort to write a blog that focused more on...my General Thoughts On The Matter.

Originally, there was a whole lot of bollywoggle in this space about my issues and my blogs and junk. I'll be honest, it was pretty boring, even to me. So let me sum up: Last December, I promised to keep this a blog just about knitting, nothing personal or 'psychobabblish' or anything like that. And that's all well and good, but frankly, I'm not just about knitting. I'm about a whole heap of things, including (yes, I have to say it) ten-cent psychobabble. And I can have a multitude of blogs, but really that's just making my blogging a copy of my personal life. I don't self-edit only in the blogosphere in the interests of not boring people half to death, I do it in real life, too. It takes a lot of effort, it's boring and I've decided to stop the self-editing (really, it's arrogant; it's like saying I know better than the person I'm talking to what they'll like or dislike--I think for them, which is greatly disrespectful.) In order to reinforce this decision, I'm going to stop self-editing (aside from grammar and TMI issues) in the digital world as well. I'm going to be self-disclosing about my whole self and my thoughts, even when they stray from all things knitterly, and let the chips fall where they may. God help us all.

I like this blog. *sound of rustling as if settling into upholstery* I'm comfy here. I write better here. My other blog is going invisible at the end of the month and I'm glad, honestly. It sucked. I'm going to start posting more on this blog, and I hope I don't lose my small readership for it. If I do, maybe I'll find some others and convert them to the Faith of Yarny Goodness. Who knows? But it's silly to separate myself out like this; I'm one person. Why have eleventy-billion blogs? If it helps any, I'll be using my post labels now--if you prefer not to hear me go on and on about the lint in my navel, search only for posts labeled "Knitting". Avoid the "Pontificatin'" posts. They'll just give you heartburn.

It never worked anyway. I just can't keep from blathering on about random things, even here. I'm so weak. ;-)

Happy New Year's! Ring a (Door)Bell!

Yes, I celebrate the harvest year's cycles. I don't like the timing of the Roman one--right in the coldest heart of winter, right before the weather takes a truly nasty turn. Blech. I'd rather start my new year in abundance and (some) warmth.

Anyway, I did not make resolutions on the Roman new year, largely because I didn't 'celebrate' it like most people I know--for instance, I've never been slobbering drunk, never gone home with a stranger because I was drunk and he was (as far as I could tell, being cross-eyed drunk) cute. Ish. Or going out, drinking a lot and then not remembering how I got home but finding a homeless person crashed through the windshield of my car. It seems a nonsense holiday to me, a party person's ode to senseless over-indulgence in preparation of some form of self-punishment.

Most of the 'self-punishment' association comes from the habit of making resolutions. There's almost an air of "Next week, I'm going on a diet/quitting smoking/cleaning up my life, so I'm going to tie it on and ride my bad habit like a pony until someone takes it away!" to it, which seems just silly to me. How often does that practice lead to anything like a lasting change? There's too much of a hangover (from overindulgence of any sort; alcohol, chocolate or cigarettes) to make a proper start of it.

So my new year's celebrations, which I decided to move on my personal calendar in order to make the difference in my mind, involve drinking several glasses of water, getting to bed early or at least on time and planning a full, nutritious breakfast so I can get a good start on the new year. Makes a bit of sense, yes? Hard to break a habit when you're broken from over indulgence the night before.

Anyway, here's my New Year's Resolutions for the next calendar year:

1. Knit from stash before adding to it. I will do a one for one exchange--I knit one ball/skein/bit of yarn/project, I can add that much more yarn. Not that I'm obliged to do so, but I can. I hope to have some breathing room at the top of my stashtainer by next new year's.

2. Knit myself a sweater. I keep talking about it, I never do it because I'm a pile of chicken excrement, but this year, I will.

3. Be braver. This covers a lot of ground, with some bullet items to indicate I'm brave. To whit:

• Using a knitting technique I've never used before. For me, this covers cables, entrelac and crochet borders.
• Finish up my first novel. It's going to be crap, but you have to write your first, crap novel before you can write a good one. I really need to get this one off my desk so I can get on with the good stuff.
• Start my self-employment gears actually going. I did some hobbyist writing this summer, I need to start acting more professionally as a writer. Also I need to come up with multiple income stream sources (income springs?) and start working on those.
  
• Restarting my music gears. I've already chatted with my creativity teacher about trying again at the voice lessons, only learning a new method of singing (there are several; bet you didn't know that. God knows I didn't, either,) and getting going on my piano practice.
• Dating. I hate to add that one because it means I will actually try to add it to my calendar and the thought of dating gets me about as excited as the thought of dusting my room. But it is a means to an end, and since I want the end, I will have to suffer the means. I'm an Introverted Intuitive, we're not about the process, people. If I could just find a guy who is not physically repellant, good natured and willing to put up with me, I'd probably marry him in a heartbeat. I'm so not picky, it's unnatural.
  

4. Take myself more seriously, just in general. It ties into the need for professionalism. Even when I worked in an office, I wasn't very professional, and I think it's because I've never taken myself seriously. I never valued myself properly, I never thought others would, either, but now's the time to start, I suppose.

5. It's trite, but I'm going to try losing weight again. I hate to do it (mostly because it's both boring and it trips my crazy triggers, since weight loss is all about numbers and my crazy is all about numbers, too) but it's expensive to be fat. Jesus. They get you coming and going--wages for overweight people--women in particular--are lower, clothes are more expensive, insurance is more expensive, so we just don't feel the financial love anywhere.

It's pitiful. I won't lose weight for possible health benefits (I have no health negatives from my weight, sorry, and I am, technically, middle aged so I'd think I'd have one or two by now), I won't lose it for social congruence, but I will lose weight because I'm just that cheap.

I worry about my priorities.

So, tomorrow, on the first day of my new year, I have set myself a schedule. I'm kitty-sitting during the days, so I'm going up early, writing on my novel for a few hours, taking a walk in what I hope is mild warmth, working on some geneology research on my family, making religious observance to celebrate the new year (even though, technically, it's All Saints/All Souls) and then off to knit group. It will be a long day, but, I hope, a rewarding one. I may leave the geneology for later in the week, when I'm home (not at kitty house), but I'll have to see. I may just do more research on how to do my research. There are websites, you know.

And a happy, bright and blessed new year to you all!

Finally, pictures!

I've had a sucktacular month, I must admit. I'm not sure if I'm happy or not that the year (as I calculate it) is coming to an end. I mean, as years go, I've had...well, ok, I've not had a lot better, but I have had much worse. Still and all, this past month has totally discombobulated me. I've had car trouble that made me wish I could move to a city with actual, non-half-arsed public transit so I could sell my metal money pit for scrap, I have dental work that needs to be done by the end of next month and dentists will want paying with money, and I've completely lost whatever confidence I had in myself and life in general. I'm about at the end of some rope or other, although I'm not entirely sure which rope or if it's such a bad thing to be at the end of it at all. At this point, I think the only thing I can do is wait out the confusion and just keep on keepin' on. Sort of like reaching that point in white water rafting when you suddenly realize you are actually terrified of water, the ropes on the side of the boat are slippery and oars are merely decorative at that particular place in the river and all you can do is hold on to your hair and pray you don't fall overboard.

Ah, life. She is a beautiful bitch, is she not?

Anyway, here's some yarn I keep forgetting to photograph:

Some overspun mill ends obtained on clearance from KnitPicks. I bought a bag of ten of the green and ten of the yellow (I think they're olive and semolina), then I traded for some of the gray. I think I have another bag of semolina somewhere in my Cedar Box of Yarnie Goodness.


I've had this for ages. It was a skein I bought to make my $50 for free shipping. Gloss lace in Sterling. Not sure what the heck I'll do with it, but it's nice, so I'll find something.


I have lately become consumed with the idea of making myself a sweater. Then last week, my mother (the woman who constantly complains about the volume of yarn I have stored in my CBoYG) made a point of showing me the Joann's ad--the one with Lion Brand at buy one/get one half off. In the center of the lovely graphic on the front were several skeins of Fisherman's Wool, a product about which I have great curiosity. So I toddled off to console myself (after the first car repair episode) with some Fisherman's Wool for a sweater. I got three of the brown and one of the white tweed (originally I had the darker brown tweed, which had white flecks, then realized that the effect I wanted would work better if the tweed's colors were reversed.)

I have a design in mind, I know the name I'm going to use, I just have to get off my butt, do the maths and start that puppy up.

This is the picture I've been needing to take for the past three weeks--my new Malabrigo lace in Dusty Rose. I loves it, I do. I know what pattern I'm going to make with it. It will just have to marinate in cedary scent for a few months until my queue lightens up enough for me to get around to it.

It's so pretty, isn't it? The cedar chest sort of clashes as a background, but the yarn is still glowy and shimmery and beautiful.

I have such nice toys. I should take consolation in that. This past year hasn't been as good as I'd have liked, but at least I have some nice toys to play with in the new.

I'll have to come back on Monday and offer up my new year's resolutions. I never made them when I celebrated on the Roman new year, but when I started up with the harvest year cycle, I started making them again. Hmmm, I'll have to do some thinking....

Ok, it can stop now. Any time. Seriously.

Again with the car drama. I'm really getting tired of it. Between last month and this, if my estimate holds true on the latest repairs that are needed, I will have spent well over $1,000 on car repairs and maintenance. Don't get me wrong, that's less than I spent when I made payments and he was so new the insurance payments made my wallet squeak, but still. I'm trying to save up money, here, people! That is difficult to do when everyone seems to feel they can claim a portion of it!

Breath in, breath out. Let it go.

I haven't been knitting much, I'll be honest. I'm working on a scarf that's taking for. Evaaar! and can't honestly think of another project to start up with my 'orphan' skeins (the yarn I keep in a smaller stashtainer outside the large, Cedar Box of Joy). I want some of my super bulky, for a quick project that gives me an emotional boost be getting finished and bound off fast, but all of my super bulky is in the Cedar Box of Joy, which is currently covered in sixty metric tons of Detritus of Living in One Room. Books, boxes of knitting supplies, a candy dish, some candy (I got a jumbo box of Milky Ways--biiiiig mistake, but an oh, so tasty one), a bit of yarn or two the moths won't eat and some hand lotion are the better part of my mess. At least the moths can't get into my Cedar Box of Joy--not until they breed their own power lifters. Heck, I can't get in, most days.

Oh, I could dig the box out and get into it. I'm just not feeling the motivation lately. Not feeling much motivation to do anything, really. Autumn is typically my energy season, but this autumn isn't working (yet) to power up my batteries. Bummer.

I have a few minutes before I have to leave for my baby sitting gig tonight, I could shift my crap and just...shift my crap to get some bulky weight yarn. I could take those pictures of my newest yarns I forgot to take before I shoved them into the CBoJ. Or I could write it off as a loss and have a Milky Way.

Decisions, decisions, decisions....