Monday, May 2, 2011

Fail. Much, much fail.

I should totally keep my mouth shut about some stuff, you know?

I should never have mentioned that I had resolved to go on one date this year at New Year's. I really shouldn't. I also shouldn't ever talk about the possibility, either. The knit coven has latched on to this concept now. I keep getting told they're going to fix me up, the sort of man I 'need' (ie, used; they all tell me that I need to marry a divorcee, not the attractive option, I hate to say), how to 'manage' him (what is he, a clerk at Mall Wart?)

I really wish I hadn't ever said anything. Really, really. Every time I think about the issue, I get mightily depressed. I have no self-worth in the dating arena. I think about even thinking about dating again and all the unpleasant, hateful, evil things I've ever thought about myself plays over and over in my head like a seriously scratched record. It's like I'm suddenly 15 again (ironically, about the time I gave up on the thought of men for myself*) and there's nothing about me I like anymore. And every time they bring it up, the same thoughts play, even though I'm not the one originating the thought. Amazing! I self-loathe on auto-pilot!

I can't take it. I'm at such a delicate stage in my new life, I can't handle the negativity.So by and large, I've given up on that resolution for the year. Maybe I'll revisit the issue when I can get by working without having to hold my own hand all day long from sheer terror. Although I confess there's a strong urge in me to never contemplate dating again. I have a feeling that I have incredibly unrealistic expectations of romance in general and coupledom in particular, so I'd have to cope with constant disappointment. I don't know if I want that. I mean, at least now I can have my daydreams and cuddle them close to my heart, which at least gives me hope of some sort and keeps me warm. Experiencing reality...then I wouldn't even have the daydreams, you know? And knowing my past and the truism that you seek in your romantic relationship to repeat the dynamics of your past family relationships so you can "overcome" the bad patterns...yeah. Not interested in that nonsense. If' I'd enjoyed any of my past familial relationships, I'd be in one of my own.

A quandary, then. 

Sigh. Viewed in this light, the negative self-talk is a defensive gesture; me trying to protect myself from repeating the bad relationships of my past over and over and over again. I suppose I should thank myself, although an email saying, "Hey, you still have some work to do before you do that, kthxbye" would be more appropriate. And it's not as if I'm not weird enough to do that, either. Maybe knowing that the self-hateratin' is actually meant to save me further emotional damage will help to stop the cycle before it really gets going and sends me into a negativity tail spin that lasts for days. Maybe.

I also really need to tell the coven I've put that resolution off. Potentially forever. Then they'll drop it, and I won't have to keep repairing the damage to my delicate ego each week.

I hope!

* You would have, too, if you'd been me.

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