Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Oh, I should just go to bed.

It's awful late for me to be on here, trying to post. It's been a busy day, too, although it didn't start out that way at all.

I actually got a relatively early start, walking between 8:30 and nearly 10. I like to get that out of the way early so I can (maybe) do some writing. Today...not so much. Walked, brought home breakfast, had to turn around and go back out again to run some errands that came up, got a migraine, tried to take a nap but the shrieking baby didn't allow that, bathed the dog (I kept saying I was going to wash him, wrap him in tissue paper and tuck him up in a drawer for winter, but he wasn't impressed) then got the news my aunt has cancer. We don't know a lot yet, other than my uncle is torn up and not in an optimistic frame of mind, but with what little I was told (and what I know about the tendency to catastrophize in our family) I won't give up hope just yet. After that, it was all just keeping heads above water, really. Dinner, laundry (which I have to bring upstairs) and some snuggle time with Dog. Now I'm here, and I don't really know why.

I can't really think straight on the issue yet--early days, and I am such a slow thinker. At least the Advil got rid of my headache for a while, so there's that to be glad of. After the nice week I had last week--relatively peaceful and pleasant after the October I had--it's a feeling as if life was just joking, Oh, haha, you believed it when you had that nice week! Just teasing! I'd almost thought I might be heading out of a period of bad news and emotional roller-coastering into something a bit more calm, more...ordinary time. But no, Life has other plans.

Shenanigans! I call shenanigans. And, frankly, it's quite fatiguing to keep the emotions on 10 all the time. I'm not asking for an extended streak of excellent luck, but...it would be nice if Life would just pretend I'm not here for a little longer than a week so I can have some peace and quiet and time to recover some resources. Sort of like how I felt when I was a kid and the other kids would bully me in grade school; after a while you don't even want to be popular anymore, you just want them to leave you alone. It's a drastic re-tooling of priorities for a social animal, but most people who take their turn at the social whipping post understand the feeling. I'd hermit a bit as that usually makes me feel better, but since I don't have a day job anymore it's almost redundant. There's really nothing to escape from anymore.

And it's at this point that I realize the only thing I'm fleeing is life itself, and I've spent years and tons of money trying to stop my continual fleeing of life.

Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. At this rate, if all I get done this week is the next two poetry exercises I've been working on, I will count myself very lucky.

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