Sunday, February 15, 2009

Happy Valentine's Day, a day late and dollar short.

Happy Valentine's Day. Just because.

In past, I've not been wild about celebrating, being a cynical, bitter female who's never had a Valentine (hard to believe, I know, but if you time things just so, it's possible), but I finally decided to make the day my own. I send cards to my friends, Nieceling and Nephew and give myself chocolate. Or something. I was going to give myself weaving lessons this Valentine's Day, but traffic got in my way. Maybe I'll use it to justify giving myself a new outfit and shoes, instead.

I've been markedly unproductive of late. Reading, reading, reading, knitting a little, but not a lot. Sleeping, yes. Got a call from a former co-worker, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I mean, I like my former coworkers, yes, and it was good to hear from him, but it felt strange to talk about things not complaints about our mutual job. In any case, he seems far more cheerful than he ever was at work, so I suppose the forced downtime is doing him as much good as me. Maybe I'll see if he wants to get together for coffee sometime, or perhaps visit the art museum. I need the inspiration.

Tomorrow I go to check out a medical transcription school. I'm really uncertain about this. A friend turned me onto the prospect (it's what she does), and it's probably the only medical field job I could tolerate for any length of time. Since medical is the only growing employment field at the present, it's not too bad of an idea. And it's an opportunity to work for myself--set my own schedule and all. Which is quite seductive, if truth be told. I'm liking not having to punch anyone's clock aside from my own. And I'd be completely mobile--if I'm working over the internets, I can live anywhere and keep the same job. REALLY seductive!

In any case, I have been slowly cleaning junk up (my computer, primarily) and was pleasantly surprised when I took a short break to write again. It's been a while since I've had an idea, although this is an older one (a dream I'd had at one point) that initially got added to and then started, abandoned, and now I've gone back and cleaned it all up to where I first started. I've still got the other version(s), but I think I'll ignore them. I also pulled up the last story I began, which was still quite a while ago, and re-read it. I think I'll make a go at that one, too. I like to have several stories running at once, just as I read three books at a time--one to cover all moods.

Yes, I have a short attention span. Sue me.

It felt good to write again. Searching for the words, trying to paint pictures through letters alone, all of it. I really need to get myself back into the habit. If I challenge myself to write each day, even if it's only a sentence, maybe. Just maybe.

If nothing else, it's good mental hygiene.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Running naked in the rain

I was speaking to someone today who reminded me that I once said something along the lines of 'If I could only lose this job, I would ____.' She reminded me of all the things I had talked about, all the possibilities, all the things I am now free to pursue. It all came rushing back at that moment, the rush of giddy excitement I first felt when called into the Firing Room. I'm free.

Heady stuff. And not something that I'm really ready to explore. Not yet. I've still got some rather toxic mental sludge left over from this job that I've got to slough off. There's a part of me that keeps thinking (foolishly) that I'm merely on vacation, I'll wind up back in that breezy, ancient house again, sitting at that desk, slogging through endless emails. A part of me that, when asked what do you do, wants to reply with '[insert job title here], at [insert former place of employment here],' instead of 'nothing at the moment.'

It was suggested that I might want to meet with some of my former co-workers--both those who won the Pink Slip Lotto and those who lost it--in order to speed the processing of the situation. This feels like it might be a good idea. Maybe if I get to see those people outside the confines of the fishbowl in which we worked, I can get better at seeing myself as someone who doesn't work there, who works nowhere at the moment, who is simply Citizen Me.

I liked my coworkers. Even the ones who made me want to throw shoes at their heads (perhaps particularly the ones who aggravated me to such levels). Maybe if I get used to seeing humans as people I know as opposed to people I work with/people I don't, maybe I can clear out a little of the sludge.

And then, once the sludge is either removed or contained (and the edges of the spill marked for caution), I can decide what to do with my liberty. Perhaps I can even come to terms with what I love, what I most enjoy. Right now, I'm attempting something new; I'm following my heart wherever it leads. For someone like me, who has always been led by her head, it's a strange, new path. Right now, my heart says Wait. See what will come. Taste lightly, touch softly, enjoy greatly and wait. All will be made clear in time.

It's an exercise in both patience and profound trust with/in myself, and those are two things I've never really excelled at. Eh. New year, new way of being. I will try this trusting thing. It's not like the other way really ever got me anywhere.

Who knows? I might be pleasantly surprised. Wherever I end up.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Knitalong progress

I've been being lazy--doing some thinking, getting out and walking and just putzing around to no purpose. Everyone around me has been panicked about my lack of employment, but I'm still calm. I begin to wonder if I'm losing my mind.

Anyway, with no further ado:

Ta-daaa! This is probably the farthest I've ever gotten on an actual shawl. I feel oddly proud of myself. Ain't it purdy?

Anyway. I suppose I should get off my bum next week and spend the evenings (if nothing else) in my job search. If I promise to myself that I'm going to work at it for two hours a day, maybe I'll actually work at it for, you know, two hours a day.

I just wish I cared a little more!