Tuesday, March 11, 2008


It's amazing, isn't it, the things we pick up from out of nowhere and just accept as Truth, when in reality, they are maybe only true at that second in time, or not really true at all.

I'm in mourning. I guess you could say I'm in the middle of a break up. Although...if you're the only one who's really in the relationship, does that count as a break up, or is it more the moment when you allow the illusion to shatter and see the shape of things as they really are?

Either way, it's a deeply disappointing and grieving experience, and I feel almost physically battered right now. No matter how I wish things to be otherwise, they will be what they will be, and that, my friends, is truly sad. Not for me; I can only come out of this the better for it. But.... I wish things were different. That people were different. The illusion seemed so happy (although it really was not, and in my less sentimental moments, I know it was actually quite miserable for me because I'm crap at lying to myself and know that I've known the truth for many, many years and known I was lying to myself the whole time), I still wish it was real. But it is not, and I have to let it go and find the Truth of all this. Because I'm perverse that way, that's why. I wish I were otherwise, I most sincerely do.

At least I'm finally gaining a sense of "mine" from this. My time, my money, my future. Maybe that will lead me to be a little more sensible about My things?


Marigold said...

It sounds like you're going thru a rough time. I'm sorry. :( I don't know what to say besides that, but I wanted to let you know that someone was reading.

Silver Phoenix said...

Thanks. Oddly enough, now that I've just sort of accepted things, things have gotten a little better. :-)

How's the wee wild thing?